Why Neopronouns Suck: One Gay Trans Man's Perspective
[July 2026]
Since I stopped blogging in 2024 and largely distanced myself from the LGBT community, I now use my portion of the site I share with my husband to freely voice opinions I didn't express in the 2010s and first half of the 20s because I didn't want to get cancelled. As I've mentioned a few times on this site now, one of those opinions is that yes, you need to have dysphoria to be trans. If that makes me truscum, I guess I'm truscum. I prefer the phrase "true trans" myself.
Having said that, I believe common courtesy hurts nobody. Whether I agree with why you land where you land with your gender identity or not, I will use your preferred name and pronouns...
...within reason. Your choice of pronouns with me are he/him, she/her, or they/them. That is it.
I will not call you neopronouns like ze/zir, xie/xir, it/its or nounself pronouns such as fae/faeself, tree/treeself, and the rest of that mess.
First of all, it/its is a slur. Full stop. "Queer" has been reclaimed by the LGBT community for a long time now, but it/its has a long history of dehumanization. Not just against trans people, but used by racists, antisemites and other bigots against whatever minority group they targeted. I have heard it/its thrown at me and other trans folks in nasty ways over the years. It strips away humanity. It turns a person into an object or a thing to be dismissed.
To make this worse, I have noticed that it is pretty much only ever the "I don't have dysphoria but I'm specialgender" crowd who adopt it/its. That pisses me off even more. You are cosplaying my medical condition for attention and using a word that people have insulted me and other trans people with for decades because you think it is cute. Fuck you. It is not edgy or liberating. It is a slap in the face to those of us who have fought through real dysphoria, the kind that makes daily life a struggle before any transition steps begin.
Since the time I was young, long before the Internet was a thing, my body felt wrong in a deep, persistent way. The disconnect was not about liking certain clothes or hobbies. It was physical and mental torment that therapy and time alone could not fix. I came out as trans in 2013 and began living as a man in 2014. It complicated things for me immensely but it was either that or die. (I am not kidding, I have attempted suicide several times due to dysphoria.) That is my reality. Watching people without that experience claim the label and then demand the most dehumanizing pronouns feels like mockery.
Nounself pronouns take the nonsense to another level. They confuse gender with aesthetics. Gender is not a fashion choice or a vibe. It is not about feeling sparkly or connected to nature or whatever mood you woke up with.
"But Fin," you might say, "if a younger person wants to explore their identity and be creative, how is it hurting you?"
On a direct, does-this-hurt-my-feelings level, I do not give a shit. As a left-libertarian, I dislike policing the behavior of adults that is not harming others. Yes, it is just words.
But the problem isn't really about my own personal comfort. It's deeper.
I remember when trans issues started gaining more visibility in the 2010s. There was cautious progress. More people understood that some of us deal with a body-brain mismatch that causes real suffering. Insurance coverage for transition-related care expanded in some places. Public awareness grew. Then during the pandemic, the flood came. Suddenly every other young person on social media had a new set of pronouns.
That was when the backlash started.
People stop taking being trans seriously when you have a bunch of teens and twentysomethings saying their gender is space or tree or whatever and not really being able to define why they feel "not cis" except that the girls might not like wearing dresses and the guys might like pink or something. Trivializing the very real and serious medical condition of dysphoria and confusing it with aesthetics and vibes has made it harder for people like myself to access the care we need. Being trans is now seen as a "trend". Clinics are getting defunded because of this. States have passed stringent bills that make getting care all but impossible. Parents grow skeptical of all gender issues because they see TikTok and Instagram shit that looks like social contagion. Gay youth get confused about whether their feelings mean they are trans or simply same-sex attracted and gender non-conforming, which has made adult gays and lesbians call transgender identities "the new homophobia".
Some defenders argue that language evolves and we should accommodate all of it. Language does evolve, but not every change is good or sustainable. Pronouns exist for a reason. They are basic tools for communication. He, she, and they cover the range without forcing everyone else to memorize made-up words that sound like they came from a bad sci-fi novel. Ze/zir and xie/xir, Spivak pronouns and the like add unnecessary complexity. They signal in-group status more than anything practical. Nounself pronouns go further into fantasy. Calling someone "fae/faeself" turns a human interaction into a role-playing game. I am not here to participate in your aesthetic world-building. I am here to talk to you like a person.
I support live and let live for personal choices. Dress how you want. Use whatever name feels right to you. Form your own communities. But do not expect the rest of the world, especially those of us who paid a real price for our transitions, to play along in every context. My refusal comes from experience, not hatred. I have walked the path of dysphoria, transition, and living as a gay man in a world that is not always kind. Neopronouns cheapen that. They turn a hard-won medical and social reality into quirky self-expression for people who mostly seem bored or seeking attention.
We need to draw lines if we want any progress to stick with regards to material conditions of real people's lives. True trans people deserve care, respect, and the chance to live without constant medical gatekeeping or discrimination. That becomes harder when the public associates the entire category with the silliest extremes. Optics matter in politics and culture. Ignoring that fact has already cost us ground.
In the end, my stance is simple. I will extend courtesy where it makes sense. I will respect your name. I will not deadname you. I will use they/them if that is what you prefer over binary options. That is basic decency. Asking me to pretend your gender is a cloud or a fox or whatever noun you picked today crosses into something else. It asks me to affirm something I see as disconnected from the trans experience I know. I will not participate in something that harms the credibility of the trans experience I actually lived.
Neopronouns suck because they distract, divide, and ultimately hurt the people who need understanding most. If that makes me old-fashioned or whatever the insult of the day is, so be it. I would rather speak honestly than stay silent to avoid offending people who treat my life like a costume party.
Having said that, I believe common courtesy hurts nobody. Whether I agree with why you land where you land with your gender identity or not, I will use your preferred name and pronouns...
...within reason. Your choice of pronouns with me are he/him, she/her, or they/them. That is it.
I will not call you neopronouns like ze/zir, xie/xir, it/its or nounself pronouns such as fae/faeself, tree/treeself, and the rest of that mess.
First of all, it/its is a slur. Full stop. "Queer" has been reclaimed by the LGBT community for a long time now, but it/its has a long history of dehumanization. Not just against trans people, but used by racists, antisemites and other bigots against whatever minority group they targeted. I have heard it/its thrown at me and other trans folks in nasty ways over the years. It strips away humanity. It turns a person into an object or a thing to be dismissed.
To make this worse, I have noticed that it is pretty much only ever the "I don't have dysphoria but I'm specialgender" crowd who adopt it/its. That pisses me off even more. You are cosplaying my medical condition for attention and using a word that people have insulted me and other trans people with for decades because you think it is cute. Fuck you. It is not edgy or liberating. It is a slap in the face to those of us who have fought through real dysphoria, the kind that makes daily life a struggle before any transition steps begin.
Since the time I was young, long before the Internet was a thing, my body felt wrong in a deep, persistent way. The disconnect was not about liking certain clothes or hobbies. It was physical and mental torment that therapy and time alone could not fix. I came out as trans in 2013 and began living as a man in 2014. It complicated things for me immensely but it was either that or die. (I am not kidding, I have attempted suicide several times due to dysphoria.) That is my reality. Watching people without that experience claim the label and then demand the most dehumanizing pronouns feels like mockery.
Nounself pronouns take the nonsense to another level. They confuse gender with aesthetics. Gender is not a fashion choice or a vibe. It is not about feeling sparkly or connected to nature or whatever mood you woke up with.
"But Fin," you might say, "if a younger person wants to explore their identity and be creative, how is it hurting you?"
On a direct, does-this-hurt-my-feelings level, I do not give a shit. As a left-libertarian, I dislike policing the behavior of adults that is not harming others. Yes, it is just words.
But the problem isn't really about my own personal comfort. It's deeper.
I remember when trans issues started gaining more visibility in the 2010s. There was cautious progress. More people understood that some of us deal with a body-brain mismatch that causes real suffering. Insurance coverage for transition-related care expanded in some places. Public awareness grew. Then during the pandemic, the flood came. Suddenly every other young person on social media had a new set of pronouns.
That was when the backlash started.
People stop taking being trans seriously when you have a bunch of teens and twentysomethings saying their gender is space or tree or whatever and not really being able to define why they feel "not cis" except that the girls might not like wearing dresses and the guys might like pink or something. Trivializing the very real and serious medical condition of dysphoria and confusing it with aesthetics and vibes has made it harder for people like myself to access the care we need. Being trans is now seen as a "trend". Clinics are getting defunded because of this. States have passed stringent bills that make getting care all but impossible. Parents grow skeptical of all gender issues because they see TikTok and Instagram shit that looks like social contagion. Gay youth get confused about whether their feelings mean they are trans or simply same-sex attracted and gender non-conforming, which has made adult gays and lesbians call transgender identities "the new homophobia".
Some defenders argue that language evolves and we should accommodate all of it. Language does evolve, but not every change is good or sustainable. Pronouns exist for a reason. They are basic tools for communication. He, she, and they cover the range without forcing everyone else to memorize made-up words that sound like they came from a bad sci-fi novel. Ze/zir and xie/xir, Spivak pronouns and the like add unnecessary complexity. They signal in-group status more than anything practical. Nounself pronouns go further into fantasy. Calling someone "fae/faeself" turns a human interaction into a role-playing game. I am not here to participate in your aesthetic world-building. I am here to talk to you like a person.
I support live and let live for personal choices. Dress how you want. Use whatever name feels right to you. Form your own communities. But do not expect the rest of the world, especially those of us who paid a real price for our transitions, to play along in every context. My refusal comes from experience, not hatred. I have walked the path of dysphoria, transition, and living as a gay man in a world that is not always kind. Neopronouns cheapen that. They turn a hard-won medical and social reality into quirky self-expression for people who mostly seem bored or seeking attention.
We need to draw lines if we want any progress to stick with regards to material conditions of real people's lives. True trans people deserve care, respect, and the chance to live without constant medical gatekeeping or discrimination. That becomes harder when the public associates the entire category with the silliest extremes. Optics matter in politics and culture. Ignoring that fact has already cost us ground.
In the end, my stance is simple. I will extend courtesy where it makes sense. I will respect your name. I will not deadname you. I will use they/them if that is what you prefer over binary options. That is basic decency. Asking me to pretend your gender is a cloud or a fox or whatever noun you picked today crosses into something else. It asks me to affirm something I see as disconnected from the trans experience I know. I will not participate in something that harms the credibility of the trans experience I actually lived.
Neopronouns suck because they distract, divide, and ultimately hurt the people who need understanding most. If that makes me old-fashioned or whatever the insult of the day is, so be it. I would rather speak honestly than stay silent to avoid offending people who treat my life like a costume party.
© Finleigh (FlameAndSong), 2026.
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If you like this essay you may share the link.
